As I Went Down to the River to Pray

“As I went down to the river to pray, I began to cry so hard today! I need to lay this burden down, good Lord! Show me the way!”

My heart was heavy. I had spent weeks grouchy and hurting because I would not let go of the anger I felt over my situation. A very hard month of arguments, medicine adjustments, therapy appointments, and meltdowns (and refusing to let myself forgive and accept what was reality) had left me hard and angry. I was sick and tired of all of the work and having to hold it together.

I had an hour free to go to one of my favorite spots- a small park by the River. I went there with a neutral attitude and full intent to write several pages of complaints to God. This was unfair, the deck was stacked against me- and I was sick of it! I felt that my stubborn disgust for my situation and the people around me was unchangeable; yet my heart was yearning to be broken and flooded with warm, healing love again.

As I walked toward the freshwater river, the salty water started coming from my eyes. My heart started aching in an excruciatingly grateful cry for this moment. Peace and excitement- things that I had not felt in weeks. I began to hope that the sunshine on my hair would be matched with Sonshine in my soul by the time I left. I found a place to sit and journal.

I sat down and began to think and watch the waves come to the bank. The ever-present wind from the River blew lightly on my body. I began to sing a song from Barlow Girl, “Never Alone”. If you want to listen to it, a link is here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3dXN1ijsrZo

As I sang, the yearning in my heart became clearer and more defined. More accute and painful. However, I also began to think through the words I was saying. They didn’t quite express it all. I began to write in my journal as I wrote down the lines that my heart formed and my mouth sang. As the Psalmist, David, I could not hide the fullness of my emotion, nor could I settle in my misery any longer. I began to sing of the hope that was being restored as I sang.

With each line, the anguish and torment of my soul that had not left me alone for so long began to be eased and I felt the presence of my Father in the wind of His River. I just sat and marveled at how the wind blowing on me seemed to blow away the grime of bitterness that had lingered as I went through the motions of life.

I didn’t know why I was going to the River that day. I just knew that I wanted to go. I didn’t expect that it would be a step of major healing for me. It turned out that I needed to meet my Father, allow Him to wrap me in His love through nature, and be reminded: my Father sends the winds and the waves. They have been held in order for thousands of years. If He cares for them, I can trust that He is caring for me.

“He stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.” – Psalm 147:18

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