It’s striking to me this morning as I look at the Rule Board in our home. When I was a kid, the rules were not written. I knew them, I obeyed them, period. This is not the case for our boy. The rules are repeated constantly and forgotten – or disregarded – even more.
Sometimes, it can be hard for me to remember that I am doing something that I was not trained to do. I don’t get to use the child-rearing handbook or tools that were passed down to me. Why- because I was not a trauma child, nor did I have atypical pathways in my brain. I get angry that the people around me judge the way that I have to raise my boy, simply because they don’t understand. They haven’t witnessed the decade of failed systems that we have tried, including the ones that I was raised on. I forget to ask God for what I need to raise our boy, forget to rest in His leading and strength. I have trouble remembering that my boy’s past and brain pathways make him understand the world differently than I naturally did as a child, and that he has to LEARN how to view things realistically.
Raising a young boy to become a young man, I hear, is a difficult challenge. Raising a young boy from trauma and special needs to a young man of good character, I know, is the hardest one I have ever faced. I look at the Rule Board and see things that were simply ingrained on my conscience. However, raising a child with special needs, these things have to be slowly impressed upon the child’s consciousness to lead toward his conscience- moment after moment, opportunity after opportunity.
1. No outside activities inside. (Fairly self- explanatory and typical to hear. “Stop throwing the basketball in the house!”)
2. No aggression or property destruction. (Wait- what? Yep, that one has to be discussed from caregiver to dear one- a lot!)
3. Ask permission for extra food, special drinks, etc. (Again, fairly typical. However, in our home this took months to get down after writing it; and due to medicines enhancing his appetite, it was made even harder!)
4. Respect, obey, and stay with adult in charge. (This was not something my parents had on the forefront of their minds. With a special needs kid, you have to know where they are, and remind them that they are not allowed to yell at you constantly!)
5. Stay within boundaries given to you by authority present. (Okay, that one is totally normal. Yay!)
6. Speak with respect. (Yes, we have had to elaborate and demonstrate exactly what that does and does not mean… on a daily basis…)
7. Use words to express yourself. (Praise God, our boy is gradually learning to speak instead of using his body, grunts, or hand signals to give us messages. If I had a nickel for every time I told my overly verbal child, “Use your words,” I’d be rich!)
8. If you disagree with a decision, do so appropriately. (Another common ground among parents.)
9. Clean up anything that you get out and throw trash away. (It may be normal, but boy, do I hope someday to say this one is followed. Stackable plastic bricks are the worst to step on when carrying your kid’s junk to their room…)
10. Be respectful of time that must be spent outside of the home. (Our boy loves to be at home and hates shopping with a passion. It was normal life to me; but to him, it is an interruption OF life.)
Then, we have the big, guiding rule for all of the others. If it doesn’t follow this, it is against the rules:
Be kind, thoughtful, and obedient.
As I said before, this was just who I was as a kid, along with most people I know. As caregivers, however, we have to remember that our child does not have the same base of understanding as we did. We have to learn to meet our individual child where he is, and guide him toward a healthier baseline for how to view the world, interact with it, and beautifully influence others in it.
May all of us caregivers have more grace for ourselves today as we remember that we are doing something difficult, that is not normal or natural, in learning a new parenting style. May we have more grace for our dear ones as we remember that they are learning things that we knew instinctively. May we rest peacefully in the fact that even though others around us might not understand what we are trying to do or why; God sees it, honors it, and is eager to be our strength and wisdom, as this calling is more than we can do alone.
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