There I sat, my soul broken. The events of this night after all of the others were far too powerful for me. I begged God to shield my family from this one. Tears streamed down my face. My mind could hardly form a coherent thought. When we finally got home a few short hours before the time to wake up and start the next day, my sleep was halting. I woke up suddenly multiple times that night, sitting upright, and panic flooding my veins.
When I woke in the morning, my mind was numbed and body exhausted. How could this happen and what was I to do now? There was nothing left. I trudged through the days following with hardly anything to give to the ones that I love.
After a time, I started listening closer to God. The whole year I had been hearing, “Trust!” any moment that I was quiet and listening. Now, in this crisis of crises, was the time for me to truly use what I had been practicing.
As we started the process of fixing what had happened with uncertainty filling every meeting, I began to hear, “Surrender”. I needed to surrender the outcome that was coming- whatever it may be. I prayed for change, but decided that no matter the outcome, I was going to continue letting my Father breathe His breath of Life into my soul.
In the following weeks, I started a process of quiet surrender and resting in my Father. Every time I saw something that I was holding back, I prayed over it. I watched for any opportunities to release it, then I simply rested.
Sometimes, my time in prayer was simply laying quietly as I tried to slip into a nap; and revisiting the truth that He has been writing in my life for me. It is in those moments that I saw the grace that is written there as well. As these few months have passed, I could tell that the resuscitation of my soul is going to be a long process, but will be worth it. I have been a Christian for nearly two decades, but last Fall began a new stage of my relationship with my Father.
We now come to Christmas Eve. Earlier in the week, a couple of the medicines that my boy was on had changed. A few hours of peace had ensued as we drifted into evening. When it came to the late hours and I was the only one awake, I prayed that it would continue. The months before had drug me down as far as I had ever been. My soul still felt thin and weak and very dependent, but I prayed. I repeatedly reminded myself to trust that God was good and cared more about my boy and all of our futures more than I did.
The next day, the change seemed to still be there. The air in our home was easier to breathe. I could tell that we were all more at ease and more ready to love. I continued praying every day over my boy and our family. That change has stayed. I am still learning how to surrender every time something hard to deal with happens in our family again. I am also grateful for the months of preparation in trust that I received before we went through the terrible trial of last Fall.
I have begun to hear recently to “Delight unrestrained”. My Father has done good things for my family through all of our hard times. I am learning how to be grateful for all of them fully; and to live and move and breathe in the fullness and freedom that He has provided us the last few months. I want to feel joy and not pull back afraid of the next moment anymore. I pray that you are able to do the same.
Do not give up hope! It may not all go away instantaneously (I know that as much as anyone). However, the Father of your soul and Creator of your body is excited- bursting at the seams- to bring your healing. Sometimes healing comes before a change in circumstances, even in the midst of the tragedy. Listen to what He is saying to you for your healing. He is preparing you for your next stage!
Disclaimer: The author is not a professional in child rearing, psychology, therapy, coaching, or any other field discussed. The information provided is strictly written in good faith sharing the author’s private experience, not personal advise for readers. Any use of any information provided is at your own risk with no guarantee that readers will have the same results as are shared by the author, either negative or positive. Caregiverskeeper.family.blog and affiliates will not be held responsible for any consequences of use of any information provided. You can see more on the disclaimer page from the site’s home menu.
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